Alexis Bailey, WSUP’s Communications Manager, shares her story of addiction and recovery.
“When I was at school I fantasised about being mute so I didn’t have to communicate with anyone. My autism was undiagnosed and I struggled with social situations. I started drinking regularly when I was 14. Alcohol helped me relax and I stopped worrying about saying the wrong thing or being seen as weird. I put vodka in my orange squash and took it to school in my lunch box. I thought I’d found a great solution to my anxiety. I didn’t know about addiction or the damage alcohol could do to my health.
“As I got older my drinking increased but I didn’t accept that I had a problem until I was travelling in Australia and I lost control of my type 1 diabetes through binge drinking. I ended up in hospital with ketoacidosis, which can be fatal. With the help of an alcohol counsellor I stopped drinking and stayed sober for 10 years.
“During that time my career in digital communications took off. I had some amazing jobs – I worked at the Cabinet Office and Number 10. I bought a lovely flat through the shared ownership scheme and learned to make friends without alcohol. But I hadn’t learned to deal with my anxiety in a healthy way and I replaced binge drinking with binge eating to make myself feel better. I became addicted to sugar. I was terrified of putting on weight so I started exercising and became addicted to that too. I was stuck in a cycle of binge eating, feeling shame and self loathing, and punishing myself by starving myself and exercising excessively. Eventually I told a doctor who referred me to the eating disorders clinic at the Maudsley hospital where I was diagnosed with bulimia. It was hard to accept – I thought bulimia was teenaged girls making themselves sick – but when the consultant told me I was bulimic I had to listen. I went to the clinic as an outpatient for a year and my therapist was great. I got the bulimia under control, but without binge eating to suppress my emotions my anxiety started creeping up again.
“Several difficult things happened at once. My dad died, my relationship ended, my flat flooded and I had to move into temporary accommodation for a year, I went into premature menopause and was devastated that I couldn’t have children, and I worked on the Grenfell fire recovery team which was harrowing. I relapsed and my drinking was worse than before. I lost my confidence and most of my friends. I ended up in rehab. It was supposed to be for three months but I stayed for nine. I had a lot of work to do to sort my head out.
“After rehab I relapsed again. I was able to work because I didn’t drink during the day but I was drinking most nights and the hangovers made life miserable. Then I found WSUP and became a volunteer helping with comms. When one of my close friends from rehab died from an accidental drugs overdose I admitted to a WSUP colleague that I needed help and he put me in touch with Chris Hill, WSUP’s Chair, who helped me to get sober again.
“I’ve been sober for a year now and life is much better. I’ve had a couple of slip-ups but they made me realise that I don’t want alcohol back in my life. I was offered a paid job at WSUP and the work is rewarding and fun. Lots of people at WSUP have a story to tell about struggling with addiction and mental health issues, and I’ve met other people with autism who don’t try to hide it like I always have. I can be myself and no one judges me. My anxiety still rears its ugly head but I did the WSUP course on how to reduce anxiety and boost self esteem which has helped. I’ve still got work to do on improving my mental health but being in a supportive environment where I can be open about my past makes things easier.”